Apartment hunting has not been going well. I've been out there beating the pavement in every viable moment when I'm not at work or in the theatre. I've traipsed all over town, through snow and ice and have thus far been disappointed. The nice places have either been so tiny that I'd have to give away all my furniture (and buy a new bed because a queen wouldn't fit there) or are so inconvenient to public transport that I'd have to depend upon cab rides if I want to be out past 10:30 at night (which is not a sustainable option for me, particularly when I'm in a show). Other places have been unacceptable in other ways, ranging from "almost tolerable" to "absolutely awful".

While I still have time (6 weeks) to find a place, I find myself in quite a panic. I am pushing myself hard, have not been getting much sleep and have caught a humdinger of a cold (which is still going strong after five days...grrr). I keep breathing and taking steps to try to get back into balance but I feel like I'm moving further and further from a centered place. Some parts of me feel sure that I'm not going to find a place that I like, that I'm going to keep looking until I run out of time and end up with a horrible place or no place at all. On some level I believe that I'm going to end up homeless and/or miserable. Parts of me wonder if life is trying to tell me that Chicago is not the place for me. Parts of me feel as though I've failed at everything I've set my hand to.

Parts of me are also crazy and obsessed with perfection...I am well aware of this.

In picking all this drama apart, I can see why all my buttons are pushed. I could talk about my unstable childhood, my lack of family support, my natal chart with all its Taurus but the results would be the same: I am someone for whom "home" is very important. I need to put down roots to be happy and I have felt rootless for a very long time now. I am an earth creature floating alone in some vast void and even though I keep reaching out, I grab nothing. I am scared to death.

So I have devised a plan, because I need something I can grasp between my worried fingers. I am continuing to look for places through mid-March and if I absolutely cannot find something (which is unlikely) I am going to move back to Tennessee. I don't really want to live in TN but it is a place where I have support and where I am comfortable asking for help. While it would be very hard to give up the people that I love here, my theatre company and other things, I need to remember that there is a safe place to go.