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Stop poking me!

Life is interesting. It often amazes me; it often confuses me. I feel great gratitude for life and I try to be present with it, which for me includes noticing major patterns that arise...

Last week one pattern seemed to be playing out consistently for me around weight loss and I find that it has ruffled my feathers a bit. Each day, (several times a day in fact) - I seemed to bump into conversations about weight loss, many of which involved people who are half my size (or smaller) talking about how they need to lose weight. The frequency was odd, but I might not have thought much about it (given how size-focused our culture can be) if I had not been side-swiped by talk that was much more direct. Certainly I noticed when I was told (more than once) that I really ought to lose some weight, especially because I am "not getting any younger". Apparently some folks think that my entire acting career and love life depend on me being 4 sizes smaller then I am today.

Now this is a big button for me. I am, and have always been a "fat girl" who has been told a hundred times that I "could be so pretty if I weren't so big" (um, hello folks, I'm almost 5'11"..."small" is not really going to happen for me). I work really hard to try to be comfortable in my own skin despite not fitting certain standards; sometimes I succeed and sometimes I do not. My roommate is a fat activist and her perspective continually challenges me in this area, opening cracks and windows to let in love - and yes, I know that this is all a part of my Work (capital "W" intended). Situations like this really put that work to the test though and I'm struggling a bit.

Certainly I've re-framed my relationship to food and my focus these days is on gratitude, connection and awareness of impact. My food choices have melded with my spirituality and activism, so old patterns of self-loathing and eating disorders don't seem to make much sense. In fact, I have been feeling quite proud of myself because I have performed in two shows in a row and have not starved myself through the rehearsal processes in an attempt to please others. Fat actresses are often unemployed actresses and much though I dislike it, theatre is a field where size most often matters.

So here I am with these messages knocking loud and hard at my door...

What is that about?

Certainly something is up and I am working to look at this issue since it seems to want my attention.

So universe...I hear you and I'm looking at it - please lay off the poking now...my (well padded) buttons are quite sore.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 23rd, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 23rd, 2009 11:21 pm (UTC)
I love that ridiculously long sentence.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 23rd, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
right on!
Feb. 23rd, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
Feb. 23rd, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
WTF? Sounds like rudeness to me.
Feb. 24th, 2009 12:17 am (UTC)
For whatever it may be worth, you seem to me to be precisely the right size you should be.
Feb. 24th, 2009 01:20 am (UTC)
I am meeting people on the poly front who are pretty built, and let me tell you, my body image stuff is up in my face too right now.
Feb. 24th, 2009 04:27 pm (UTC)
Hmm. I think you're beautiful and have thought of you when I am trying to think of myself, at 5'11" as having the potential of being seen as beautiful.

Thank you for being you.
Feb. 25th, 2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
Wow. Who thinks it's OK to say something like that to someone? The mind, she boggles.

In my experience, the kind of person who says that sort of thing doesn't actually want you to attempt and succeed at a get-fit program. They just want to be jerks and say insensitive things that sound like they're in your best interest. This is when I often long for a few Churchill-worthy comebacks, like, "Well, neither are you, but I don't see you trying to lose any bitch."

For me, the bottom line has become health. If you feel healthy at whatever size you're at, then that's all that matters.

'Cause, for the record, Leora & I think you're gorgeous.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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