I have so much on my plate right now that it is no longer visible and stuff is running off onto the table. I feel gratitude for the abundance and am also noticing that I've reached my saturation point.
Running one (3 hr) show while rehearsing another is challenging. I have not had a night/day off in some time. I'm so sleep deprived that I've become over-emotional. I could make Fragonard drool all over his paint brushes...that's how mood-swingy I am (see, I'm so tired I thought that joke was funny).
My directors are also under a lot of stress and are feeling the burden of mounting a production in much less time than they'd like. Because of that they are working us as much as possible and due to my role - I am there more than anyone else. Last night for example, I was in rehearsal until 11:30 PM, at the train by 12:10 AM and home by 12:40 AM (which gets me to sleep around 2 AM). With my day job starting at 8:30 AM, I'm averaging less than 5 hours of sleep per night.
I'm using what tools I can, but have not found a way to make time for morning meditation. Some stressful situations have come up for me in the past couple of days, and I recognize that some part of me wants to freak out, break down and beg someone to comfort me. It is disturbing to me sometimes how that little girl surfaces and really wants someone to "take care of her" (ironic really, since no one has done so for me since I was in high school). Wallowing and weeping won't serve (and frankly, there is no time for it and no one to hold me through it).
Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation...wish me luck.
Running one (3 hr) show while rehearsing another is challenging. I have not had a night/day off in some time. I'm so sleep deprived that I've become over-emotional. I could make Fragonard drool all over his paint brushes...that's how mood-swingy I am (see, I'm so tired I thought that joke was funny).
My directors are also under a lot of stress and are feeling the burden of mounting a production in much less time than they'd like. Because of that they are working us as much as possible and due to my role - I am there more than anyone else. Last night for example, I was in rehearsal until 11:30 PM, at the train by 12:10 AM and home by 12:40 AM (which gets me to sleep around 2 AM). With my day job starting at 8:30 AM, I'm averaging less than 5 hours of sleep per night.
I'm using what tools I can, but have not found a way to make time for morning meditation. Some stressful situations have come up for me in the past couple of days, and I recognize that some part of me wants to freak out, break down and beg someone to comfort me. It is disturbing to me sometimes how that little girl surfaces and really wants someone to "take care of her" (ironic really, since no one has done so for me since I was in high school). Wallowing and weeping won't serve (and frankly, there is no time for it and no one to hold me through it).
Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation...wish me luck.
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood:
exhausted
Profile
jennlynn_green- hernes_moon
- Jennifer
Page Summary
- thistle333 : (no subject) [+1]
- muddyslush : (no subject) [+3]
- (Anonymous) : (no subject) [+1]
- morrigandaughtr : (no subject) [+1]
- thegreencall : (no subject) [+1]
- catbirdgirl : (no subject) [+1]
- ravenedgewalker : (no subject) [+1]
- sagamockingbird : (no subject) [+1]
- otterdancing : Sweetie [+1]
- blue_sky_48220 : (no subject) [+1]
- chelidon : (no subject) [+1]
- bolowolf : (no subject) [+1]
Comments
I am feeling that SO MUCH. I was disgusted with myself a few weeks ago with this whole job thing. I felt like there was this inner little boy staring at my partner with puppy eyes all, "Are you really going to make me do this? Aren't you going to take care of me?"
In times like this it helps me to remember that this is one part of me and not the whole of me. The best I've been able to do is reach out for comfort and advice, and tell the little boy that I'm going to take care of him as best as I can.
I wish you the best, in your rehearsals and your difficult conversation. I love you!
I have reached out for comfort here but am wishing I had some time to see a friend in person so I could share more. My schedule is such that I have not been able to see my beloveds in a while. Even T is out of town right now...
I like what you said about telling that inner child that you are going to take care of him as best you can. I will try to tell my little one as much...she's been very loud and needy since the break up and she's scared shitless. That part of me, more than the others, kept me in that old relationship long after it was dead (which is ironic given that she wasn't getting what she needed then, but she has SOME security)...and she's pissed at the change now.
It's funny to me when I start talking about my various parts. I am glad to know them, and to know myself through them - but am also aware that this post shows very clearly what a whack-a-doo I am. :)
Thanks for loving me. I wish I could give you a big squeeze...I miss you so fucking much!
Speaking of whack-a-doo: I know you don't have much free time but I've been experimenting lately with doing some direct work with those parts, drawing pictures of them and then having face to face conversations (sort of automatically writing out what comes to me as their responses) about what is problematic, asking what that part needs, and how we can have a better relationship. It's been helpful. I now have four little pictures of demons to talk with when they're acting up. :)
I wish you rest, comfort, and ease amidst a busy season.
I am worried about you honey...please ask for what you need.
I love you!
I hope to do so soon. Kisses - J
Thanks for thinking of me!
Ah personal work...it never ends.
Thank you for reminding me not to judge myself for yearning. This is my first Christmas without a partner and a lot of emotions are coming up around that. A reminder not to be too harsh with myself is good.
I wish you were closer too - but you comfort me with your words more than you know. Thank you lady. Love, J
I've had some moments of my inner little girl wanting to be taken care of, but am finding more that I just want someone to care *about* me in that romantic sense.
I hear you...some days I really miss that as well.