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I have so much on my plate right now that it is no longer visible and stuff is running off onto the table. I feel gratitude for the abundance and am also noticing that I've reached my saturation point.

Running one (3 hr) show while rehearsing another is challenging. I have not had a night/day off in some time. I'm so sleep deprived that I've become over-emotional. I could make Fragonard drool all over his paint brushes...that's how mood-swingy I am (see, I'm so tired I thought that joke was funny).

My directors are also under a lot of stress and are feeling the burden of mounting a production in much less time than they'd like. Because of that they are working us as much as possible and due to my role - I am there more than anyone else. Last night for example, I was in rehearsal until 11:30 PM, at the train by 12:10 AM and home by 12:40 AM (which gets me to sleep around 2 AM). With my day job starting at 8:30 AM, I'm averaging less than 5 hours of sleep per night.

I'm using what tools I can, but have not found a way to make time for morning meditation. Some stressful situations have come up for me in the past couple of days, and I recognize that some part of me wants to freak out, break down and beg someone to comfort me. It is disturbing to me sometimes how that little girl surfaces and really wants someone to "take care of her" (ironic really, since no one has done so for me since I was in high school). Wallowing and weeping won't serve (and frankly, there is no time for it and no one to hold me through it).

Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation...wish me luck.



( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 17th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Hope you can sleep soon -- that is so often a factor in the 'wanna freak out' thing!
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you...and you're right - sleep deprivation is a powerful thing!
Dec. 17th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
It is disturbing to me sometimes how that little girl surfaces and really wants someone to "take care of her" (ironic really, since no one has done so for me since I was in high school).

I am feeling that SO MUCH. I was disgusted with myself a few weeks ago with this whole job thing. I felt like there was this inner little boy staring at my partner with puppy eyes all, "Are you really going to make me do this? Aren't you going to take care of me?"

In times like this it helps me to remember that this is one part of me and not the whole of me. The best I've been able to do is reach out for comfort and advice, and tell the little boy that I'm going to take care of him as best as I can.

I wish you the best, in your rehearsals and your difficult conversation. I love you!
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
The best I've been able to do is reach out for comfort and advice, and tell the little boy that I'm going to take care of him as best as I can.

I have reached out for comfort here but am wishing I had some time to see a friend in person so I could share more. My schedule is such that I have not been able to see my beloveds in a while. Even T is out of town right now...

I like what you said about telling that inner child that you are going to take care of him as best you can. I will try to tell my little one as much...she's been very loud and needy since the break up and she's scared shitless. That part of me, more than the others, kept me in that old relationship long after it was dead (which is ironic given that she wasn't getting what she needed then, but she has SOME security)...and she's pissed at the change now.

It's funny to me when I start talking about my various parts. I am glad to know them, and to know myself through them - but am also aware that this post shows very clearly what a whack-a-doo I am. :)

Thanks for loving me. I wish I could give you a big squeeze...I miss you so fucking much!
Dec. 19th, 2008 04:53 am (UTC)
Yes, my inner child has been a little bastard around this whole moving/resettling business. ;)

Speaking of whack-a-doo: I know you don't have much free time but I've been experimenting lately with doing some direct work with those parts, drawing pictures of them and then having face to face conversations (sort of automatically writing out what comes to me as their responses) about what is problematic, asking what that part needs, and how we can have a better relationship. It's been helpful. I now have four little pictures of demons to talk with when they're acting up. :)

I wish you rest, comfort, and ease amidst a busy season.

Dec. 19th, 2008 06:10 pm (UTC)
That is really fascinating...thank you for sharing it. When my schedule calms down I'm going to give this a try....
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you baby...I know I do - and you have mine (I hope you know that). We SO need time together for mutual comfort. I can't wait to see you this weekend.

I am worried about you honey...please ask for what you need.
Dec. 17th, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)
Dec. 17th, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC)
Wow, that is an intense schedule. Good luck with your talk.
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks darlin'...it wasn't as bad as I thought - though I'm not out of the woods yet. I'll keep you all posted.

I love you!
Dec. 17th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
you actually CAN ask a close friend to be there for you while you freak out. even pat your back and tell you it will be ok.
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks sweetie...normally I do. As you know, I'm not one to hold things in. With my schedule I simply don't get to see any of my friends in person (and my roomie is traveling). I have talked to you all here, which has helped - and have had a phone call or two but I'm not actually able to get any physical comfort right now.

I hope to do so soon. Kisses - J
Dec. 17th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
good luck my dear, and lots of hugs to you.
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks darlin'.
Dec. 17th, 2008 11:49 pm (UTC)
Breath, stay well hydrated, eat healthy (when you get a chance) take some extra vitamins just in case. Can you catch a quick nap during your lunch hour?
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
Good idea...I do need much more water. I cannot nap at lunch - but I did give in and had real coffee today. Hopefully that will get me through this last weekend - after which things will calm down a little bit.

Thanks for thinking of me!
Dec. 18th, 2008 04:18 am (UTC)
That little girl has every right to want to be held and taken care of. Being strong and all is great but everyone needs to be allowed that deep desire for someone else "fix" it. Don't judge yourself for yearning for that. You sure deserve it. Wish I was close enough to help!!
Dec. 18th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
Re: Sweetie
Thank you darlin'. I do have compassion for that little girl, and I understand how and why she's wounded. Poor thing will forever be wondering why her daddy doesn't love her and will be looking for someone to fill that hole. But you know, no one is going to step in to fill that hole (can anyone other than me heal that space...can I even heal it?). I think it is a balancing act between understanding that fragile and lonely part of myself while also accepting that there is no knight in shining armor, no deus ex machina that is going to swoop in to make things easier for me.

Ah personal work...it never ends.

Thank you for reminding me not to judge myself for yearning. This is my first Christmas without a partner and a lot of emotions are coming up around that. A reminder not to be too harsh with myself is good.

I wish you were closer too - but you comfort me with your words more than you know. Thank you lady. Love, J
Dec. 18th, 2008 07:01 pm (UTC)
Good luck with the conversation. And I hope you can sleep more soon.
Dec. 18th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks...me too!
Dec. 18th, 2008 10:08 pm (UTC)
Hugs and love and EmergenC and time enough for sleep, real sleep, sometime soon! I hear ya about working with the inner kid -- may she feel held and loved, and may all the parts of you feel that too.
Dec. 18th, 2008 10:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks darlin'
Dec. 19th, 2008 01:10 am (UTC)
Best wishes for your difficult conversation to go well.

I've had some moments of my inner little girl wanting to be taken care of, but am finding more that I just want someone to care *about* me in that romantic sense.
Dec. 19th, 2008 06:12 pm (UTC)
I just want someone to care *about* me in that romantic sense.

I hear you...some days I really miss that as well.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )

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