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The Plan

Apartment hunting has not been going well. I've been out there beating the pavement in every viable moment when I'm not at work or in the theatre. I've traipsed all over town, through snow and ice and have thus far been disappointed. The nice places have either been so tiny that I'd have to give away all my furniture (and buy a new bed because a queen wouldn't fit there) or are so inconvenient to public transport that I'd have to depend upon cab rides if I want to be out past 10:30 at night (which is not a sustainable option for me, particularly when I'm in a show). Other places have been unacceptable in other ways, ranging from "almost tolerable" to "absolutely awful".

While I still have time (6 weeks) to find a place, I find myself in quite a panic. I am pushing myself hard, have not been getting much sleep and have caught a humdinger of a cold (which is still going strong after five days...grrr). I keep breathing and taking steps to try to get back into balance but I feel like I'm moving further and further from a centered place. Some parts of me feel sure that I'm not going to find a place that I like, that I'm going to keep looking until I run out of time and end up with a horrible place or no place at all. On some level I believe that I'm going to end up homeless and/or miserable. Parts of me wonder if life is trying to tell me that Chicago is not the place for me. Parts of me feel as though I've failed at everything I've set my hand to.

Parts of me are also crazy and obsessed with perfection...I am well aware of this.

In picking all this drama apart, I can see why all my buttons are pushed. I could talk about my unstable childhood, my lack of family support, my natal chart with all its Taurus but the results would be the same: I am someone for whom "home" is very important. I need to put down roots to be happy and I have felt rootless for a very long time now. I am an earth creature floating alone in some vast void and even though I keep reaching out, I grab nothing. I am scared to death.

So I have devised a plan, because I need something I can grasp between my worried fingers. I am continuing to look for places through mid-March and if I absolutely cannot find something (which is unlikely) I am going to move back to Tennessee. I don't really want to live in TN but it is a place where I have support and where I am comfortable asking for help. While it would be very hard to give up the people that I love here, my theatre company and other things, I need to remember that there is a safe place to go.

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Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
yezida
Feb. 11th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
be well. Keep looking for Self.
catbirdgirl
Feb. 12th, 2010 12:16 am (UTC)
I had a lot of good luck with apartment people taking me around. it made transport much easier. Although Apartment and Home Seekers is a little more user-friendly.
(Anonymous)
Feb. 12th, 2010 12:32 am (UTC)
Sending love your way Jen! Take care, keep breathing, and if the plan helps you relax, then I'm sure that will be helpful! Call if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on! Diana
muddyslush
Feb. 12th, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
Love you hon. Do what's best for all of you. Scared parts and hopeful, determined parts and all the rest.
cubsgirl68
Feb. 12th, 2010 02:19 am (UTC)
Apartment hunting can be taxing. But I think you really do have time though. Honestly, I'll bet when March comes you'll see more places pop up -you may be a bit early in the game right now believe it or not. I'll keep sending good home mojo energy your way. Would it be helpful to send any ads for apts your way if they look promising to your criteria? I don't want to overwhelm you or step on your toes but if you want hard-nosed help looking I can try to search some prospects out for you if you think that would be helpful. I'm one of those weirdos who actually *likes* looking for apartments.
(Deleted comment)
morrigandaughtr
Feb. 12th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
Breathe, breathe, breathe. Much love to you. And good house-hunting mojo.
firedancer_ny
Feb. 15th, 2010 10:55 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you right now. I am having a very difficult time, though the details are different. I wonder how we could support each other better.

I'm glad you are remembering that, ultimately, you have a safe place to go, for however long you need it. And I hope you are remembering how many people love you and hold you in their hearts as the strong, shining woman/soul you are. Including me.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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