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Of Berries, Hope and Daring



Today I met a friend for lunch at the Farmer's Market. It was a beautiful, warm day; a blue and golden caboose on a train of gray and gloomy. cubsgirl68 and I walked about the stalls and despite my better judgment, I bought a liter of strawberries, though it is early in the season when they can be hard, pale and bland.

But how could I resist? It was a glorious day and I wanted that taste of the season. I needed a burst of something scarlet and sweet and though it is still spring here, these Michigan berries smelled like summer; like being 16 and driving a convertible to the beach to meet your first lover.

Luckily, I was not disappointed as they were quite good. Perhaps they were not as perfect as those upcoming rubies of late June but they hit the spot and choosing them was a wonderful symbol for my work in the world right now. It has been a long, hard year and though spring has come - things are by no means resolved or easy. "Complicated" has become a catch phrase for me but I've decided to take a risk. I've decided to chose hope and sweetness. I've remembered that I don't have to swallow the bitter medicines being pushed at me; I don't have to dwell in depression, anger and fear - I don't have to meet everyone's expectations of me - I don't have to be liked by people.

yezida often reminds us that we are in process and it's a good thing that she does because it's something my thick skull has a hard time absorbing. I still want to be perfect. I still want to be liked. I still mourn the things I have lost on (and because of) my journey - though I do not regret them or it. I know that this path may become more and more isolating. But even when it's hard, even when I'm so scared that I just want to curl into a ball and disappear, I still have choice - and I can still choose sweetness.

And I do. Today, I choose sweetness, hope, and love. Today, I choose that which is beautiful, warm, ripe and delicious. With a shrug that eloquently proclaims "fuck it!" I move; I push against the grain. I stand out in the crowd and even alone, my berry-stained lips smile in triumph. I clutch this daring choice to me...I do not want to lose it in the chaos nor forget the tang of joy on my tongue.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
ravenedgewalker
Jun. 4th, 2009 11:04 pm (UTC)
be daring darling....

I am typing a long email to you, eating the last of the first of this summers strawberries as i do so - my fingers are stained red as i type.
firedancer_ny
Jun. 5th, 2009 12:06 am (UTC)
I need that reminder over and over again as well. Thank you!
cubsgirl68
Jun. 5th, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
Hey Sweetie - I'm so glad we got together today. I just wish I wasn't under a time constraint; I could've chatted with you all afternoon. We *will* do it again.

Know that you are beautiful and loved, in all your parts and throughout your processes.

Thanks for sharing those stawberries with me - they were great! Love ya
ippola
Jun. 5th, 2009 04:33 am (UTC)
May you be dwelling in sweet, juicy dreams :) Thanks for this post. Love you and can't wait to spend more time with you soon x
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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